smack talk

things i may, or may not say out loud.

F1 weekend


i’ve shied away from writing about things that were really on my mind thinking that opening up would somehow diminish or lessen this “social likability perception” that i thought i was building up in order to maintain or uphold this false sense of identity and belonging here in shanghai. i love shanghai and what i’ve been able to do, see and be a part of here. i can’t say for certain that i would have had any of these opportunities if i stayed in san antonio. so like thailand and singapore, despite the shit that comes up in china, shanghai will always be a special and memorable place that i’ll look back on and appreciate when all is said and done. but shanghai is different. maybe it’s a big city thing. people come and go all the damn time. and that shit makes it hard to develop relationships that FEEL genuine, authentic and true. maybe it’s a moody boy thing, maybe it’s just the way things are. in due time, i’m sure i’ll be the same…counting down the days before heading off to the next chapter and adventure. but when you’re on the end that’s still here, and not the one that’s leaving, there’s a lot left to be desired.

a few weeks ago my friends flew out all the way from the states to meet up in seoul. two years ago we met up in tokyo, but this time we spent time in south korea then they came thru shanghai aftewards…in 5 years…MY FIRST REAL VISITORS other than my mom lmao, damn! for real though, how many people have really planned to see you and be with you when it was outside the convenience of a 30 minute drive…or even a 3-4 hour trip? not many, you feel? the gesture means a lot. not everyone is down for you like that. i was irresponsible in seoul and basically induced myself into misery for about 8 days after drinking way more than i probably should ever think or joke about. while in shanghai we definitely didn’t do as much as i probably wanted to had i not been dying and suffering in my questionable and regrettable decisions. but nonetheless, there’s a level of comfort, honesty and safety that comes with having friends that you know have your back. if i never know what it should feel like to be in a healthy relationship with a girlfriend, i swear that my point of reference for how i’d want to feel, act and engage with another human would be standardized by the dynamic and appreciation that i have for my mangz. i’ve been in shanghai for three years and i don’t know if i can say i have that with more than one person with full confidence. and that hurts. i think it’s natural to feel included, to feel wanted and appreciated by even a small group of people. who doesn’t want a random text to see what’s up? when was the last time you chilled at someone’s place just to bullshit and hang out? and i missed that. and it sucked knowing that once they’d peace out, i’d miss that feeling and try too hard to replicate and force that with people who i barely knew or didn’t know enough. it was almost like an act of desperation at times…”yo u wanna chill? wanna come over?” not everyone wants that, i understand that. but yo, in a city as big as shanghai…there’s got to be a few right? i was coming off thirsty for friendships, i don’t think people were down with that type of vibe. it is what it is though, u win some, u lose some, u dim sum. but life goes on. so to john, ray and raian…y’all my mangz. i’m so thankful for y'all coming thru, sorry we couldn’t do more in shanghai, that’s on me. 

but needless to say these are some pics from f1, f1000 in shanghai. i apologize to amanda for acting like a lil ho while i was in my feelings while my mangz were here but i’m happy that my friends got to experience and be a part of some of the type of things that i’ve been able to do and enjoy since being in shanghai. i think it was a way to show them what occupies my time while i’m outside of work. and at the end of the day we got to drink free beer, talk, bullshit and do all the things that i’ll never get enough of whenever we’re able to connect. you can see photos of the actual race day HERE, since most of these are just from the heineken fan festival in xintiandi the night before. i think i’ll write more in the future just because i want to, but also since i know the reach and engagement of the website is generally low. i had to check myself and remind myself what this website was for in the first place… sharing and showcasing the places i've been, things i've seen, people i've met, money i shouldn't have spent and things i've wanted to say. 

thanks for stopping by. if we haven’t met in a while or haven’t met at all…let’s get in touch and let the good times roll. preciate y’all, all love, all the time. peace, fo sho.