smack talk

things i may, or may not say out loud.

summer film.


home is where the heart is for sure. i'm happy to have been able to go back home as many times as i have in the past 5 years while living abroad and meeting up and reconnecting with friends and family. over the course of the past 8-10 weeks i've been so grateful to have such great friends to check on me when they don't have to. i really appreciate that and makes me feel really thankful. these past two months have been nothing short of a mental and emotional challenge. i still struggle, i have good days, and sometimes sad days. not so much of bad days though. i had a good conversation with my friend, clem, once i got back to shanghai and really encouraged me to remind myself of what i'm thankful for during times that i'm down and feeling moody. it helps. i know in order to change my attitude, i'm gonna have to train myself to think differently until it becomes routine. it's a work in progress but i'm getting there. 

recently my friend, maura, has been pretty blunt with me. calling me out on my noticeable lack of self confidence and insecurities, essentially letting me know im acting like a little bitch at times. and it helps to hear it from someone else to check myself. i can't lie, since mid-june i've been down. i've heard it twice, that it takes half the time that you've been with someone to get over them. whether or not it's true, i know only time can make things right. i try not to think about it too much, but still admittedly check up and peek on instagram to see what's going on. i'm guilty. i know it's counterproductive, and should be more disciplined controlling myself to move on from someone who no longer wants to be with you. but, sometimes easier said than done. i think the hardest part so far has been trying to come to terms and accept that things are the way they are. i'm reminded by my sis (of all people) that the end has to start somewhere. nothing i do at this moment will or can change the situation. there's no more "proving" or "gaining back"'s done. and yet, i still have thoughts and some hope that maybe, just maybe...

i really could go on, rambling and laying down my thoughts and feelings out there to whoever might come across this. part of me is just like "what the hell, say and be who you want, it doesn't matter what people think, do you". and the other part of me is telling me "chill, bruv and cool it with the moody boi feels". idk, i guess i still haven't decided who i am. shameless, private or just whatever i want to be, whenever i feel like it, because it's my life anyway. 

but outside of that, here are some film photos from the summer. basically july and august, mostly spent in texas. looking back, i'm really thankful for the time i had with my friends and with my dad. i really value the time i spent with them, but apologize for being so caught up with being heartbroken. i can't lie though, yall helped me so much, im so grateful. they really are the mvp's, i can't thank them enough.  i got to see some of my closest friends (except for don fran) happy and in love. that made me happy, genuinely. i know they're happy, they deserve it. and i know they're treating their ladies right. i'll find mine one day, raian too. HAHA. i feel kind of bad that i didn't share all of these pics with them first and that if they read this, have to see even the unflattering pics without warning. oops...surprise! thanks for stopping by, hit me here to get in touch, fo sho. til next time...

film-3 2.jpg
 my thoughts exactly. 

my thoughts exactly. 

 c'mon, ray. 

c'mon, ray.